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influxeous — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 02:09:36 +0000

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Dating 101: How to Tell When You’re Ready to Commit Eight key questions to ask your mate — and yourself

There is something exhilarating about taking the big leap from dating to becoming a permanent “item” and making that final commitment. But before you run off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose to commit is the right time — and with the right person.

As a divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the “Big Six.” These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional. I ask my clients to take a close look at each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within themselves.

Have you found the right person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your mate — and yourself. The answers will be very telling.

1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, “On fun stuff and we’ll get to the bills later,” you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple’s values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don’t overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship — one that requires fiscal responsibility.

2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, “This is not something I can even think about right now,” do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, “I’ve decided against having children.” You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.

3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, “How do I know? I’ll figure it out then,” you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?

4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, “How the heck do I know, that is a long way off” or “I guess so,” neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together — or cannot envision those “golden” years as a couple — should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, “This may only be temporary.” Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.

5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is “Well, I do sometimes,” then you want to ask the next question: “In what context?” If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.

6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate’s answer is something like “Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad,” step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.

7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, “We have a problem. Let’s find a solution to it.” How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.

8. How does my mate deal with a “screwup?” Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.

Breakup article.

influxeous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:54:03 +0000

There a strong standard deviation to these pointers given to women on how to deal with breakup. (r= . 90)

Don’t Talk to Him

The most crucial rule in breaking up is to not talk to the person you’re breaking up with. Even if you think you can handle it and still get over the person, you can’t. Don’t kid yourself; feelings will get hurt. Take some time off, get over him, and maybe someday in the future you’ll be friends. Until then, lick your wounds and recover any way you’d like; whether that be partying hard, staying in bed for days with pints of ice cream, or spending absurd amounts of money on clothes you don’t need. No one will say a thing; we all heal in our own, weird ways.

Snap Out of It

Remember how things, like stupid songs and movies and that little spot in the park that you two went to on your first date used to be “yours”? Well, they’re not anymore. Don’t make a connection to platonic objects when there isn’t one. Remind yourself that you like that spot in the park because of the good view, not because of anyone connected to it. There’s no point losing more than you have to from a breakup, so don’t get all sappy on yourself.

Reconnect with Your Friends

No matter how much you say you’re not going to be that girl who gives up her friends for her boyfriend; everyone gives up a little of their time to spend with their guy. Well, now is the time to make it up to them (and, you could use the girl talk). So, go out and have fun; grab your best wing woman, and remember how much fun being single really is.

Take Some Time For Yourself

Amidst all of this trying not to talk to him, hanging out with friends, partying more and/or eating lots and lots of ice cream-you need to remember to sit back and actually work through your feelings. Understand why things went south, and why you’re better off this way. And in no time you’ll be back to your old self, and what’s-his-name will be a thing of the past.

It’s All About Rewards

And finally, do all of the little things that make you happy every day. Yep, being single means thinking about you, you, you. So, go and take that extra time after work and buy yourself that little ring you’ve been obsessing over. Or take a long walk and meet a friend for cupcakes because well, you can. Have fun spoiling yourself, because you deserve it after….wait, what? I’m forgetting already.

: I guess this must be true in most cases because of the comment it recieved.

Lifelove.benefitial

influxeous — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:40:28 +0000

Love is all about taking chances even if it hurts. Take a chance, you’ll never know, Love was never easy, its not a smooth road, but a road that has curves and rocks, it can hurt, it can bleed, and it may even destroy you, but still walk the road because the end is priceless.

A real fool doesn’t fight for something they believe in.

If you don’t even try you already failed, but if you try, you have at least 50% chance of accomplishing; better than 0%.

Hit on someone, you have nothing to lose, but a no, you’ll make their day i’m sure, everyone likes to feel they are attractive.

Chinese movies

influxeous — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 09:26:52 +0000

“When your in a relationship your the happiest. When your relationship is over your the saddest. When you accept that the relationship is over, you only have yourself. “

“Being human you must not look back, look forward, further the better.”

New beginnings

influxeous — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 09:17:36 +0000

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

“Every end is a new beginning”

“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.”

Just do it.

influxeous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 11:05:18 +0000

“Sometimes you need to close your eyes, listen to the wind, take a breath, and just jump off the cliff”

Just DO it.

“Do or Do not; there is not TRY.” _ Master Yoda

30 of infinite amount of advice to given to men

influxeous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:57:53 +0000

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.

2. Don’t hate women (people). It’s a waste of time

3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.

4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.

5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.

6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.

7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.

8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.

9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.

10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.

13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.

14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “Fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.

15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.

16. Keep fit.

17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.

18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.

19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.

20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.

21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.

22. Have and nurture friendships with women.

23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.

24. Don’t be an internet troll. Get out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30′s or older.

25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.

26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.

28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.

29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

3 Things that only feel like love

influxeous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:56:15 +0000

3 Things that only feel like love

Lust

Lust is the feeling that is often mistaken for love at first sight. Lust is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. It is mistaken for love because the attraction is so strong.Lust can feel like love because the feelings of attraction are strong and all-consuming. The emotions stirred up by lust can feel very real but they are based on a fantasy. To love somebody you must know them well but many people fall in lust while they are still strangers. What people in lust fall for is a fantasy of what might be and reality can get lost in the excitement.

Overwhelmed by physical attraction people in lust can’t keep their hands off of each other. They think about each other constantly and talk about one another all the time. Lust is a happy feeling brought on by passionate attraction. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is very easy to mistake all that passion for love.

Lust differs from love like night differs from day. Lust happens in the early phase of a relationship when people don’t yet know each other. Lust is based on a fantasy, and the fantasy and reality don’t always mesh up. This is where lust runs out of steam.

Although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, love is more than just a physical longing. If a relationship is all about physical attraction it is based on lust. Really loving another person takes time and it can’t be based on physical attraction alone.

Obsession

Obsessions are often mistaken for love because people rationalize the crazy feelings they are having. They assume that it must be love if the other person is always on their mind. Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around.The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession the more intense the obsession can become. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned and they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person to bolster their sense of self.

Even unrequited love, love that is not returned, can become an overwhelming obsession. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn’t really exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid.

Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you could be dealing with obsession.

Rebounding

A rebound is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends.Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to the security of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.

If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it could mean that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship. Rebound relationships may feel like love but they are still impacted by unsettled feelings from the past.

True or false?

influxeous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:49:50 +0000

the male brain is something i don’t think any woman will come to understand. it’s difficult to find an honest, faithful and caring guy but every girl wants her boyfriend to treat her like this:

Leave her cute text messages.
Kiss her in front of your friends.
Trust her over everyone else.
Tell her she looks beautiful.
Look her in the eye when you talk to her.
Tell her stupid jokes to make her laugh.
Let her mess with your hair.
Mess with HER hair.
Just walk around with her.
Include her in most things you do.
When she crys do whatever to make her smile.

Forgive her for her mistakes.

Look at her like she’s the only girl you see.
Tickle her even if she says stop.
Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.
When she starts swearing at you tell her you love her.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Tease her and let her tease you back.
Stay up with her all night when she’s sick.
Watch her favorite movie.
Kiss her forehead.
Give her the world.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she’s sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she is important.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Kiss her in the rain.

And when you fall in love with her, tell her.

Some of us take our HEART BREAKS to another level by immediately
hooking up with another person after we just broke up. This is our
desperate attempt to get our ex jealous OR to forget the pain.

This explains why SOME people get addicted to clubbing,
partying, drinking, and getting high. They’re NOT trying
to “just have fun”…

THEY ARE DESPERATELY AVOIDING REALITY.
THEY ARE RUNNING FROM THE PAIN OF THEIR PAST.

LADIES and GENTLEMEN, this is not love.
This is infatuation. Love does NOT make you do STUPID things.

Love is a commitment to do what’s BEST for another person.
(Even if that means breaking up with them)

ANSWER THIS QUESTION HONESTLY:
Have you ever thought you were “IN LOVE,”
but later realized you were lying to yourself?
If you have… could it be that maybe…
JUST MAYBE, you might be wrong right now?

* * *

WHAT IS LOVE?
“Whoever is without Love does not know God,
for GOD IS LOVE!” –1 John 4:8

If God is Love… Then why is he hardly
the center of most of our relationships?

If God is Love…
Then why not ask HIM for advice
when it comes to understanding what TRUE Love is?
Going to anyone else is like going to a Honda
Dealership for a Volkswagen part.

MYTH: All men are jerks!

TRUTH: Anyone who believes this statement is an idiot.
There are plenty of great guys all around. These are the
guys who comfort you when jerks break your heart.
Theyre the ones who dont always tell you what you
want to hear, but what you need to hear.
MY ADVICE: “Don’t date someone unless you consider marrying them.”

“WHAT?!? BeeJay!!!
Have you lost your mind??”

Let’s sit and think about it. When you date someone, YOU might think it’s
“just for fun,” but there’s no way of predicting FEELINGS that might
eventually grow. What if you FALL for someone, and they don’t fall
for you? Who gets hurt?

What if you date someone for fun, sex, and scamming,
and they end up falling for you? Now they’re the one who gets hurt?

In other words,
make sure you choose carefully who you date because FEELINGS
are involved. If you play with feelings, you can REALLY hurt someone.
In fact, some of you are STILL hurt because of a few people you’ve dated.
So take dating seriously. PLEASE.
Having a great “LOVE LIFE”
means MORE than finding the right person.
You also have to BE the right person!

Don’t think in terms of forever.
Think of now, and
forever will take care of itself.
Grow up together, constantly.
Expect to invest a great deal of time and energy
in your relationship. Lasting relationships don’t just
happen, they are created.
Recognize that all relationships cannot be forever.
Recognize their temporary quality, but continue to
act as if they are permanent.
Respect the other person’s relationships apart
from you. If they are important to the one
you care about, they should
be important to you.
Never idealize others. They will never live up to
your expectations.
Take your time.
Remove price tags from people. Everyone has
worth; the excitement lies in the discovery of their value.
Don’t be afraid of giving. You can never give too
much, if you’re giving willingly.
Don’t feel as if you are required to spend every
waking hour with those you love. Move aside from
time to time and allow them a separate space too.
Never force anyone to do anything for you in the
name of love. Love is not to bargained for.

Don’t overanalyze your relationships.
Realize that you always have choices. It’s up to
you.
Remember that a relationship is a pooling of
resources. It means that with each relationship
you are not only giving,but you are becoming more.
Don’t allow relationships to burden your heart;
rather use it to become more aware and sensitive.
Don’t smother each other.
No one can grow in shade.
Don’t lose in touch with the craziness in you.
This,with a large dose of caring, will assure
that your relationship will never be boring.
Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You
don’t have forever.
Don’t hold on to anger. they steal your energy and
keep you from love.
There are times when you want to give up on a
relationship but never give up on relating.
Learn to listen. You don’t learn anything
from hearing yourself talk.
Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect.
Write down all the reasons why you love each
person you relate with.
Then, when the going gets tough, take the list out
and reread it. It resolves problems quickly.
After an argument is over, forget it.
Don’t become involved in pettiness, ego and
childish hurts. Those will only serve to degrade
your relationship and prevent closeness.
Learn to bend. It’s better than breaking.
Since love can be created, there is no reason to
be loveless.
Even though you are only half of a relationship,
you must remain a whole person, apart from the relationship.
Remember that moral and spiritual values don’t
restrict, they protect.
Don’t fall in love with love, you’ll die with its
complexities.
Don’t allow your relationships to die of neglect.

actions

influxeous — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 11:16:27 +0000

Words do not always express ones true feelings.
People can lie with words, but cannot lie with their eyes/actions.

Out of difficulties comes miracles.